35. Pip

Pip

I’m Pip, an illustrator and musician from the UK.

After an emotionally and physically abusive relationship, I started identifying as nonbinary when I was 22, then later as transmasculine and finally as a trans man age 24. At age 26 I went on testosterone, and I quit cold turkey 2 and a half years later at 28.

Most of my 20s was taken up with identity and body issues. After reconciling with my body and my sexuality, I later dropped any kind of identity. Though I still struggle with dysphoria, I know now that for me it is a result of societally imposed expectations - it doesn’t come from within me.

I was extremely intent on transitioning - it wasn’t some spur of the moment thing. I really felt like I was going to seriously hurt or kill myself if I couldn’t transition. Being female was like a prison for me and I wanted out so badly. But in the end, it was my own mental health and wellbeing that needed fixing more than my body.

I never felt like a girl, or how I thought other girls felt, and I felt isolated and alone growing up. It led to me thinking I must not really be a girl, when actually this feeling is an extremely normal female coming-of-age experience - it took years to understand that, as an autistic person.

Therapy helped me somewhat, but the major thing that has helped me is seeing and meeting others like me and hearing their stories. That’s why I love Sarah’s project and hope it encourages people to reach out if they feel uncertain in their transition, or are having doubts or second thoughts. I know exactly how you feel, and it’s okay to feel your feelings.

I still feel like a trans man in many ways. I’m still dysphoric and sometimes I feel like I exist in an “in-between” place. The only difference is I stopped identifying as such, and stopped placing any importance in internal identity for myself.

Feel free to follow me on social media: I’m on Twitter as @pip_malone, on IG as @nervoustremors and I release music on Soundcloud under the name Boyface. “