15. Jill O'Connor
Jill, 29, Salem, VA.
“As a child, I was sexually and emotionally abused by someone very close to me. I did not want to face this and suppressed these memories deep in my subconscious mind to the point where I did not remember until the end of the summer of 2021, just a few months shy of turning 29 years old. As a result, during my childhood I always felt “not good enough.” I saw many things wrong with my body, personality, and choices, and I found that was reflected in the world around me. I felt afraid of most everyone around me most of the time.
As an adult, I was raped twice and molested 3 times by different people. I started to believe that being a woman was the problem, and thought “If I were a man, people would not do these things to me.” I felt like a walking target. When presented with the idea that I could change my gender and my body to match, I saw this as a solution to all of the fear and pain. I was not consciously aware that this was why I wanted to transition as I didn’t take very long to think about it and I didn’t have to. I felt desperate for my body to change. I was running away from acknowledging the trauma from my early childhood and from the pain of the trauma in my adult life. I came out to my family on November 21, 2018 and had my first appointment with the trans doctor on December 11, 2018. I was able to do my own testosterone shot the day of my doctor appointment so I didn’t have to wait for the prescription. I felt that this was the answer to my problems. As I was transitioning, I found that I still felt very unsafe. I had some different reasons but the fears were still the same. I was still afraid of getting abused. I was terrified anytime I needed to use a public restroom, thinking men would figure out I was trans and want to hurt me. This led me to think, “If I could just get top surgery, nobody would have a clue and then I’d feel safe.”
On August 28, 2020, I had my top surgery. For a while, I felt a bit better about myself. I thought I was a relatively attractive man and I thought my chest looked attractive and that others believed me to be a cisgendered man. I still had my fears but they quieted with my belief of passing as cisgendered. As time went on, I started to realize that while I felt more physically attractive, I was not being my authentic self. I did not feel like a man and I did not identify as one. I also realized that changing my body did not take away my pain. It only masked it. In September of 2021, I started getting very intense pains in my reproductive organs. I took this as a sign that it was time to stop the testosterone. I was terrified of judgment; of hearing “I told you so” or “I knew it,” but, while I did hear that a couple of times, I was thankful that the majority of people were relatively supportive. Detransitioning was a scary thing, but I realize now that the scariest part was my early childhood trauma rushing back. I had been trying to leave my identity behind in hopes that it would erase the experiences of my two and three-year-old self. I realized this was a main reason for my transition. When I took that name and gender identity back, I reclaimed that little girl that had been so terrified and hurting. I have had many regretful feelings about taking testosterone and its effects on my body as well as getting top surgery as I will never be able to get my body fully back to the way it used to be. It has been incredibly challenging to adjust to being a female with a lower voice, facial hair, and a masculinized chest, but I’ve come to a more peaceful mindset through understanding that my body is unique and that does not make it wrong or any less beautiful.”
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