34. Jasmine

Jasmine, age 22, UK

“When I woke up from surgery at twenty years old, I remember staring at the ceiling and feeling this immense disappointment. What have I done? My breasts were gone but the dysphoria hadn’t. A few months later, the dread was dark and imminent; I had come to an inevitable impasse in my transition that I could no longer ignore. I had to start fresh again. I say “start again” because after so long, there is no such thing as “reverse.” You cannot go back to who you were. I sacrificed my voice, my health, my breasts, my integrity to my transition, and mentally I am shaped by it too. I continue to be seen in society as a man, to which I am making peace with. I really want to emphasise here that transition is irreversible.

For the last year I’ve been trying to understand what went wrong. I was so sure of myself (what teenager isn’t?), I had a plan, starting from age fifteen when I first came out as trans. My doctors said I was mature and capable and my peers celebrated me. I was met with little pushback on my transition and given the green light for hormone treatment and surgery after just a few short appointments. Looking back at my reports, one would be a fool to neglect that childhood trauma, mental health, and being on the spectrum played big factors in the way I saw myself. But I was naive and young, I equated my uniqueness as a girl to being born in the wrong body, and I saw the journey to transform not only as a way to escape pain, but also as a noble act of defiance. I now know that I was only defying my authenticity as a woman.

I continue to grow and heal from this experience. I am learning how to be genuinely comfortable in my own skin, I am embracing my femininity as I should have a long time ago (it is a precious gift!) I am also embracing the masculine side of me. Both can coexist without being defined. Lastly, it is important for me that detrans voices are heard. I do not believe in affirmative care for minors that continues to fail children at an alarming rate. Finally, I wish that society would embrace all forms of women. I hope that masculine, neurodivergent women like me will be allowed to express themselves however they may and not be pushed into a lifelong path of medicalisation just because they are unconventional. “

Instagram: @faekind