03. Amber

“Although I was not brought up to be homophobic, the jokes of children around me told me everything I needed to know about whether they would accept me for my attraction to other women. I struggled desperately to admit my sexuality to myself and others, going back and forth throughout my adolescence and never settling, never confident. I tried as hard as possible to be ‘normal’ in others eyes but it only left me more lonely and confused. This continued into my adulthood when at the age of 21 I began to try for the first time to live as a lesbian. I had barely begun this attempt, awkward and isolated, when I first saw a transgender person online. Fascinated by the transformation and feeling kinship in their admitted feelings of discomfort and distress around their gender, I followed them avidly, found many more and binged transformations as if it was a healing balm that would change me and make me normal too. I did not notice as I became indoctrinated in an ideal which is for the most part unattainable. I began to believe that these were true men and so could I be. I convinced myself their story was mine and I pursued the medical path to change what I thought was wrong with me. Years of testosterone and a voluntary and willing sacrifice of my breasts were not enough to make me feel whole. The hole left in my heart and identity only grew until I was consumed by doubt and fear of what I had done. My body screamed at me to stop and eventually I listened. Over a year has passed with throws of pain and regret and grief of who I used to be. I am finding slowly, contentment creeping into my life as it never has truly been before. Although the scars remain and the effects have not all diminished; I begin my life again as a woman with a true understanding of what that means, having thrown off the shame of same-sex attraction and discomfort in my female body and mind. I am not the whole that I used to be but I am a new whole, one that is all woman.”