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77. Ksenia
Ksenia, 22 year old, Moscow, Russia.
“I have autistic spectrum disorder and OCD. Since I was a little girl, I always had androgynous face and body features and it gave me body dysmorphia as I reached adolescence. I was bullied by peers as a kindergartener and as a schoolgirl.
When I was 15 years old, my psychological state was at its worst, and I was convinced by trans activists online and by medical professionals that all the discomfort from misogyny and sexism in society, hatred for my appearance, teenage depression was actually gender dysphoria. I was convinced that if I did not start transitioning as soon as possible, if I did not "accept" myself as a boy, my mental state would worsen and I would eventually killed myself. My female body started feeling like a prison I need to escape as soon as I can. It felt like a solution, like a salvation - just to start hormones, just to have a surgery, just to make everyone call me a boy and a new name.
My family was convinced by doctors leading medical "sex change" commission in Moscow that I would commit suicide if they tried to prevent me from transitioning. As an autistic girl, I hyperfixated on the topic of being a transgender man. It was everything I was thinking about that time. I lived in pain for years, and hearing from respected adults that some medical interventions can make my life happy, can make me loved by people and not constantly bullied, sexualized for being female, diminished in every aspect of life (hobbies, education, sports) because "boys do it better" - it felt like a way out. It felt like "I have to do this", not "I want to do this". I was convinced and I got to believe that I had no other option, only transition or suicide - it was the narrative spread by trans activists on social media.
In Russia medical and legal transition was banned for minors* (*since 2023 it is banned for everyone, but I was transitioned in 2022), so I obtained a letter to start testosterone, to have a surgery and to change legal documents right on my 18th birthday. Before that, my family and me were indoctrinated by medical professionals that I could not make it in life without "turning into male". It was a part of "therapy". Information about side effects was hidden from us, though we asked about it a lot. We were told detransition rate was less than 0,1%. We were told hormones and surgeries were completely safe and revertable. So, I remained on testosterone for 3 years. My documents were changed to male name and sex without any problems. When I was 18 years old, I had keyhole double mastectomy by a surgeon who performed surgeries for treating gynecomasty for biological males. He gave me nerve damage and pain I still have to deal with.
My story is called a lie. They say, “In Russia, you couldn’t be forced to transition.” Before the ban on propaganda and the ban on sex reassignment? Oh, believe me, they could. Doctors were making quite a lot of money from me and my family. The woman in charge of the commission built her career on destroying the lives of young girls who she called "transsexual boys". Her name is Svetlana Kremenitskaya. Now she’s hiding the fact that she once issued certificates for sex reassignment to young boys and girls so that the Russian state wouldn’t touch her. Remember her name, I want her to never live a peaceful life. Because she destroyed mine. She issued a certificate to a girl with autism at a time when autism was a factor prohibiting transition in Russia. She neglected my autism, she clearly wanted me to become a part of her "scientific research" about transgender "men". This woman told my mom to choose if she wants a dead daughter or a living son. This woman called me a perfect example of a transgender man (which I wasn't). This woman threatened my family with my suicide, though I never had plans for killing myself.
Realizing transition and the whole narrative of being "a man in a female body" was all a huge mistake, felt like waking up from a nightmare or breaking free from hypnosis. It felt like I just woke up one day with the thought "what have I done?". I looked at my body and saw everything that was done to me. I realized cruelty, injustice, abnormality of all of this. I realized the narrative about "trans healthcare that saves lives" was a lie. I was miserable. All other women who identified as trans men and who I was friends with were miserable, lying to themselves that transition saved them. In reality it saves nobody. It destroys health, it destroys lives, it destroys connections with people. It makes you feel even worse, but believing you're saving yourself from suicide.
Testosterone gave me arterial hypertension, nerves in my chest are damaged, I have cysts in my ovaries and I experience vaginal atrophy. I suffer from life-long complications from testosterone and mastectomy trans community have never spoken about, doctors have never spoken about. There is so many complications we still don't know about. In my country I can't ask for medical help because people like me are considered the same And if my story helps someone, maybe my life is not so miserable after all. If I get the chance to get my normal and fulfilling life back, maybe I’ll drive a nail into the coffin of the cult that told me "death before detransition". There is no death, there is no before. There is LIFE AFTER detransition. Mutilation is never a salvation.” transgenders. Almost 2 years since I detransitioned, I still wait for my documents to be reverted back to female. I lost in the first court, won in the second, but the court made a typo in my papers, so I have to wait more 3 months or so until they correct it.
I want my country to recognize rights of people like me. I have spoken to a great number of Russian detransitioners, though trans community will tell you we can count the number of us on one hand. I am among those tiny amount of women who had strength to go to the court to ask for justice to change our documents back to biological reality. Others are scared. They're scared of being ostracized, of being treated worse than transgenders. I met so many Russian detrans women who told me they have to wear a mask of a man, to keep their hair short, to not pursue breast reconstruction and sometimes even remain on testosterone because they're documents are male and they have no way to change it - Russia banned sex reassignment in documents for everyone, detrans people including. Not because they wanted to punish us somehow, but because they didn't think about us at all. Now, when the war is going on, rights of detrans people is the least thing Russian government is going to think about. But we're still here and we need help. Our lives didn't end with detransition. I and other detrans people still want to create families. I'm a biological woman with fully functioning reproductive system, I want to have children of my own, I want to marry a man one day. I want to work under my actual name that my parents gave me when I was born. I NEED to visit a gynecologist because I'm a biological woman, but with a male passport I can't do that. In Russia bureaucracy is everything. Without documents you can barely live. This week I failed to buy a present (a nice bag) for my mom because I needed a passport to get it from a courier. Obviously, my passport looks nothing like me and it says "man" when I'm clearly a biologically female. I wish my country helped me to fix what they let me do in the first place. All I did was using the current law. Doctors could have prevented it, when they saw a struggling autistic schoolgirl. The government could have prevented it by never letting people change their sex in the first place. The surgeon could have prevented it by refusing to cut 18 years old girl's healthy breasts for 100.000 rubles off, but he didn't.
I wish the world was a better place. I wish the world was a kindest place for girls like me to grow up and to ask for help. I wish about so many thing to never happen in the first place. But I can't change the past. I can only change my future. I don't feel trapped in the borders of my country, I will fight for girls and women from all over the world. And if my story helps someone, maybe my life is not so miserable after all. If I get the chance to get my normal and fulfilling life back, maybe I’ll drive a nail into the coffin of the cult that told me "death before detransition". There is no death, there is no before. There is LIFE AFTER detransition. Mutilation is never a salvation.”
Ksenia, 22 year old, Moscow, Russia.
“I have autistic spectrum disorder and OCD. Since I was a little girl, I always had androgynous face and body features and it gave me body dysmorphia as I reached adolescence. I was bullied by peers as a kindergartener and as a schoolgirl.
When I was 15 years old, my psychological state was at its worst, and I was convinced by trans activists online and by medical professionals that all the discomfort from misogyny and sexism in society, hatred for my appearance, teenage depression was actually gender dysphoria. I was convinced that if I did not start transitioning as soon as possible, if I did not "accept" myself as a boy, my mental state would worsen and I would eventually killed myself. My female body started feeling like a prison I need to escape as soon as I can. It felt like a solution, like a salvation - just to start hormones, just to have a surgery, just to make everyone call me a boy and a new name.
My family was convinced by doctors leading medical "sex change" commission in Moscow that I would commit suicide if they tried to prevent me from transitioning. As an autistic girl, I hyperfixated on the topic of being a transgender man. It was everything I was thinking about that time. I lived in pain for years, and hearing from respected adults that some medical interventions can make my life happy, can make me loved by people and not constantly bullied, sexualized for being female, diminished in every aspect of life (hobbies, education, sports) because "boys do it better" - it felt like a way out. It felt like "I have to do this", not "I want to do this". I was convinced and I got to believe that I had no other option, only transition or suicide - it was the narrative spread by trans activists on social media.
In Russia medical and legal transition was banned for minors* (*since 2023 it is banned for everyone, but I was transitioned in 2022), so I obtained a letter to start testosterone, to have a surgery and to change legal documents right on my 18th birthday. Before that, my family and me were indoctrinated by medical professionals that I could not make it in life without "turning into male". It was a part of "therapy". Information about side effects was hidden from us, though we asked about it a lot. We were told detransition rate was less than 0,1%. We were told hormones and surgeries were completely safe and revertable. So, I remained on testosterone for 3 years. My documents were changed to male name and sex without any problems. When I was 18 years old, I had keyhole double mastectomy by a surgeon who performed surgeries for treating gynecomasty for biological males. He gave me nerve damage and pain I still have to deal with.
My story is called a lie. They say, “In Russia, you couldn’t be forced to transition.” Before the ban on propaganda and the ban on sex reassignment? Oh, believe me, they could. Doctors were making quite a lot of money from me and my family. The woman in charge of the commission built her career on destroying the lives of young girls who she called "transsexual boys". Her name is Svetlana Kremenitskaya. Now she’s hiding the fact that she once issued certificates for sex reassignment to young boys and girls so that the Russian state wouldn’t touch her. Remember her name, I want her to never live a peaceful life. Because she destroyed mine. She issued a certificate to a girl with autism at a time when autism was a factor prohibiting transition in Russia. She neglected my autism, she clearly wanted me to become a part of her "scientific research" about transgender "men". This woman told my mom to choose if she wants a dead daughter or a living son. This woman called me a perfect example of a transgender man (which I wasn't). This woman threatened my family with my suicide, though I never had plans for killing myself.
Realizing transition and the whole narrative of being "a man in a female body" was all a huge mistake, felt like waking up from a nightmare or breaking free from hypnosis. It felt like I just woke up one day with the thought "what have I done?". I looked at my body and saw everything that was done to me. I realized cruelty, injustice, abnormality of all of this. I realized the narrative about "trans healthcare that saves lives" was a lie. I was miserable. All other women who identified as trans men and who I was friends with were miserable, lying to themselves that transition saved them. In reality it saves nobody. It destroys health, it destroys lives, it destroys connections with people. It makes you feel even worse, but believing you're saving yourself from suicide.
Testosterone gave me arterial hypertension, nerves in my chest are damaged, I have cysts in my ovaries and I experience vaginal atrophy. I suffer from life-long complications from testosterone and mastectomy trans community have never spoken about, doctors have never spoken about. There is so many complications we still don't know about. In my country I can't ask for medical help because people like me are considered the same And if my story helps someone, maybe my life is not so miserable after all. If I get the chance to get my normal and fulfilling life back, maybe I’ll drive a nail into the coffin of the cult that told me "death before detransition". There is no death, there is no before. There is LIFE AFTER detransition. Mutilation is never a salvation.” transgenders. Almost 2 years since I detransitioned, I still wait for my documents to be reverted back to female. I lost in the first court, won in the second, but the court made a typo in my papers, so I have to wait more 3 months or so until they correct it.
I want my country to recognize rights of people like me. I have spoken to a great number of Russian detransitioners, though trans community will tell you we can count the number of us on one hand. I am among those tiny amount of women who had strength to go to the court to ask for justice to change our documents back to biological reality. Others are scared. They're scared of being ostracized, of being treated worse than transgenders. I met so many Russian detrans women who told me they have to wear a mask of a man, to keep their hair short, to not pursue breast reconstruction and sometimes even remain on testosterone because they're documents are male and they have no way to change it - Russia banned sex reassignment in documents for everyone, detrans people including. Not because they wanted to punish us somehow, but because they didn't think about us at all. Now, when the war is going on, rights of detrans people is the least thing Russian government is going to think about. But we're still here and we need help. Our lives didn't end with detransition. I and other detrans people still want to create families. I'm a biological woman with fully functioning reproductive system, I want to have children of my own, I want to marry a man one day. I want to work under my actual name that my parents gave me when I was born. I NEED to visit a gynecologist because I'm a biological woman, but with a male passport I can't do that. In Russia bureaucracy is everything. Without documents you can barely live. This week I failed to buy a present (a nice bag) for my mom because I needed a passport to get it from a courier. Obviously, my passport looks nothing like me and it says "man" when I'm clearly a biologically female. I wish my country helped me to fix what they let me do in the first place. All I did was using the current law. Doctors could have prevented it, when they saw a struggling autistic schoolgirl. The government could have prevented it by never letting people change their sex in the first place. The surgeon could have prevented it by refusing to cut 18 years old girl's healthy breasts for 100.000 rubles off, but he didn't.
I wish the world was a better place. I wish the world was a kindest place for girls like me to grow up and to ask for help. I wish about so many thing to never happen in the first place. But I can't change the past. I can only change my future. I don't feel trapped in the borders of my country, I will fight for girls and women from all over the world. And if my story helps someone, maybe my life is not so miserable after all. If I get the chance to get my normal and fulfilling life back, maybe I’ll drive a nail into the coffin of the cult that told me "death before detransition". There is no death, there is no before. There is LIFE AFTER detransition. Mutilation is never a salvation.”