54. Victoria, UK

“I was nonconforming at a very young age, not really caring about how toys were gendered, and much preferring trousers over skirts. On the odd occasion that I wore a dress, if it was giving nothing short of Queen of the Universe vibes, I wasn't interested.  Luckily, my upbringing was centred around what I enjoyed doing hobby-wise, regardless of whether it was seen as a boy or girls toy; microscopes, military vehicles, biking were all on the cards, and they were glorious. If they had not been, I wonder just how much earlier the idea of transness would have gotten to me.

In terms of the other side of the coin, sexuality, lesbianism was frowned upon growing up. I think that played quite a part in me hiding the fact I was attracted to girls, and perhaps was a part in planting the seed for all of this.

I remember trying on boys clothes, seeing that I wanted that musculature, that permission to take up space in the world, that pizzazz and bravado of men who would fizzle and own the room, be them comperes, raconteurs, dandies, politicians. I felt so much more at home, more like the artsy, expressive, expansive me, and no one had educated me on the beautiful and varied history of women who could be all of those things. It was never even talked about. Grace Jones, Dietrich, The Queen of  Whale Cay, no one mentioned them and thousands of other women who didn't conform. It was only men's names on their lips.  All the time.

The road seemed so closed to women, and perhaps then,  around 9, the thoughts started along with a fear of becoming a woman. I was subject to a lot of sexual violence, developed early,  and the developmental path of a woman seemed a road fraught with further pain and suffering. The phrase  'Unsex me here' rattled in my head. It wasn't about not growing up per se, but wanting to have some control in a place where I had none, and was very afraid. I wanted to be away from harm.

After being in echo chambers that started out gay and became neoqueer/trans oriented over time, it slowly cemented this idea of trans because of how I felt and what I was into, and so I came out as trans. I was flooded with praise, told I would make such a handsome man, and even the gay men in my circle paid lip service to my identity. Most of them likely still would, but I wonder how many would truly believe I was one of them if I transitioned fully? I don't think they would if it came down to brass tacks, and nor should any gay man feel coerced into doing so. It is another component part of rape culture, and the inverse of what is happening to lesbians in these once sacred spaces.

I took a lot of different things to masculinize me, a process known as home brewing. I couldn't get to a gender clinic and therapists dealing with this issue I didn't even know existed, and I wanted above all, strength; some protection over how people would see me: I so badly didn't want to be raped again. I wanted some armour when I went into a room. I don't want to go into detail in case someone copies me, but it has left me with compromised fertility, and I'm left with an altered voice, a skeleton older than its years, and shaving my face for the rest of my life. Now thoughts of potentially having children enter my mind, but what I've done may mean I might not be able to have them.

I want to do all of these things that I want to do, whether perceived as camp, glittery, Butch, blokey, masculine, whether it is taking up space, making music, art, being politically involved or visible, I want to do all of these as a woman. And now it's up to me to prove I can.  My dysphoria was enormously rooted in restriction, pain, violence put upon me, and now it is up to me to show what a woman really can do if she believes in herself and doesn't conform to what is expected of her. A freer, more beautiful, and happier life, and saying yes to it, in spite of everything, is on the agenda

And so far, despite what I have been through, it is going quite beautifully. There is hope. I promise.”

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