46. Magda

Magda, Poland

“My time in elementary school with my peers was wonderful. I liked all sorts of games, but much more the boyish ones. No one really bothered me when I chose boyish games and company, but I envied the boys how they were treated anyway.

In high school, I couldn't find myself. It was too monotonous and melancholic and peers - maturing people were either withdrawn and distant or dishonest and rude. I couldn't find a common language with them.

After high school, I went to college, but I gave up after a year because the field of study was wrongly chosen by me. I got a taste of breaking the law, I met new people and quickly found myself in a bad environment. I was fascinated by life outside the law and the lack of responsibility. I spent about two years in this environment. One day when I was drunk, I was taken by a man to his apartment and locked up. I was sexually abused and raped overnight and part of the next day. After that incident, I never told anyone the truth about the sexual abuse. I was so ashamed. I stopped loitering but started spending more and more time online. I was tired of the mistreatment of women and sexualization. I wanted to be a bully girl, not a sex doll. I also wanted to feel completely independent from my mother, who also believed that girls were more vulnerable than boys and should live differently.

I started looking for information like "I don't want to be treated like a woman" to find some advice on how to live with such a problem, or girls with a similar attitude, but unfortunately instead of the useful advices I found the unfortunate so-called "blue forum for transgender people". I registered there, I got interested and quickly sunk into their narrative, because I thought that functioning as a boy in society could be quite exciting. I was 21 or 22. I started to dress like a boy. I started to leave home more often to roam around the city again. Even when I was considered a boy and treated badly by someone, I was glad that someone did not treat me like a soft doll and did not see me as an object for sex. I felt safer and even euphoric with this mask. However, since people usually saw me as a 13-year-old I decided I want something more. I found out advices on the forum how to get hormones. For consistency, when they started to masculinise my body, I opted for a mastectomy followed by a legal change. I've always considered these changes to be a form of cheating, but at the time I thought it was an acceptable cheat to start a life with a blank page. The trans community did not accept the narrative criticizing the transition process or even calling it in terms of cheating or mutilation. They were accepting as long as you spoke their words. Today I can openly say it is a sect, that gather misunderstood and traumed people in the difficult moments in their lives.

After about 1.5 years, I withdrew from life and immersed myself in online activities. My motivation decreased and I did not experience strong feelings, which was caused by the influence of testosterone. In 2014 or 2015 I quit testosterone and felt much better, appearance started to become feminized again and I was fine with that but I had no legal support so for fear of living "between the sexes" - woman with male sex mark I went back unwillingly to testosterone. I was scared of cancer and I wanted to take less of testosterone so I decided for a hysterectomy - a surgery that I never wanted... And that was the worst step in the transition. I was still on testosterone, but I hated it. But I was afraid to quit because I had a hysterectomy.

In 2022, however, I dumped it forever this time and started preparing for the legal detransition process. Interestingly, this time I found other detrans people during the preparations. I didn't want to take any hormones and to be enslaved to pharma so I don't take anything.

I never dreamed of "gender change" until I fell into this internet information bubble - at a time when on the one hand I was sexually abused and on the other hand the atmosphere at the family home was tense and difficult. And I felt I could not bear it. I regret joining the trans community and forum. The search engines can be seriously misleading. If I didn't know that "gender change" is so simple and supported by community advice, I would never decide to go for it.

Today I live like a woman again and I am happy. I believe in God and I believe that He can reverse my mistakes.”