39. Jade
My name is Jade, and this is my story. I hope that whoever reads this gains a little bit of insight about transitioning, and why some choose to detransition.
June 3rd, 2020, I started doing hormone replacement therapy. I was 18 going on 19, and I had previously been completely abandoned by my adopted parents. I had no clue who I was without them but I knew that I never felt like I fit in, or that I never met the societal norms of being a female. I was quite the opposite, so I wanted to change the outside of myself and to inevitably be a whole new person.
I was tired of being this picture perfect, middle-class, conservative teenage girl that I had to be in order to satisfy my parents because if they weren't happy, nobody was. I lost touch with most of my family, and I had no idea what I really wanted in life because everything so far had been decided for me. At first, I felt free, like my body was no longer being held captive.
After about ten months of testosterone, I began to realize that I was using hormones to cope with the loss of identity I faced by being disowned. There are a lot of things nobody tells you about when it comes to hormone therapy. I ended up quitting hormone therapy because of this, and also because my white blood cell count had tripled during that time.
While I was coming off of testosterone, I was miserable. My mental state was more unstable than ever before and I had another plan to unalive myself because it was just too much. With the love and support of my true family, I was able to get through that and over time I learned that so many people choose to transition, and then also choose to stop. I was able to focus on myself, and breakdown a lot of my trauma. This past January, I quit drinking to cope and chose sobriety. It has been one of the best things I've done for my overall health.
Although I still have trouble from time to time with my self-image, I have never felt more content. From amazing life milestones, to the gnarliest emotions, I am so proud to be here. Through it all, I've learned from first-hand experience and from people around me that depression, anxiety, and many other mental health conditions are rooted from deep, unresolved traumas. I never really needed to transition to be me. What I needed was to experience mySELF. To cut toxic ties, to see past societal norms and expectations when it comes to gender identity, and to accept that no matter how much you try to love someone and stay in touch, they may never reciprocate that. I needed to explore the possibilities of who and what I could be. I didn't need to change anything but my perspective.
Today, I am who I needed when I was younger. I love myself a little extra when Iām feeling down and I find beauty in the little things.
I am amazed by everything I have overcome, Iām proud of who I am, and I hope that just one person can read this and feel related to. Wherever you are on your journey, don't give up. You're stronger than the struggle.ššš