30. A

A, 38 y/o, Oregon

“I grew up in a pretty conservative area and was always butch/masculine of center/whatever. My mom didn't make a big deal about it, she and her mom were both "tomboys" too, so it wasn't anything to be upset about.  I feel fortunate to have had that on my side, anyway.

I was in my early 20s before I could really explore my sexuality and found I bonded most and best with women. In the absence of any sort of lesbian "community" I dated and relationshipped mostly with bi women who would inevitably compare me to their male partners in one way or another.

I was mostly comfortable in my skin and enjoyed being unique, but at some point I read Stone Butch Blues and this curiosity developed. What would it be like to not be a piping soprano? What would it be like to have a beard? Would that fit me better?

I ended up with a close friend who had serious dysphoria, and her lamentations resonated with me. I still didn't dislike the body I had, I just wanted "more". I wanted the best of all things. There was more to me than what people thought of when they thought "woman". So I went from a motorcycle riding, sword fighting, mechanically handy, weightlifting woman to starting T after a single visit to discuss it with my PCP and advanced gynecology doc.

Seeing the inside of the trans community and being reminded everywhere I looked that trans people have an astronomical rate of suicide made me afraid to ride my motorcycle. I dropped out of a lot of my hobbies except weight-lifting.

I passed pretty quickly and easily, even shirtless, without surgery. Most don't and I recognize that... But getting to the top of the mountain, so to speak, being gendered male everywhere I went, I found I wasn't some new, happy, comfortable version of myself. I was exactly who I always was with just more hair, more muscle, a deeper voice, and a lot of acquaintences with serious mental health issues.

When you look around yourself and find yourself surrounded with really unhealthy people, it's time to take a hard look at yourself. I was no happier. In fact, the stress of always having to wonder if I really passed or what people really thought VS what they were saying and the niggling feeling that I was setting myself up to fight objective reality for the rest of my life got to me.

My therapist was a savior. At the beginning of it all, she asked me to be clear about what I really wanted from this venture. When I arrived at this place, she said "You know you can quit, too. This isn't a one-way trip."

Some part of me needed that "permission" of sorts. I went back to "nonbinary" and considering myself the best of both worlds until it occurred to me later talking to other NB/trans friends that that was actually really regressive thinking, limiting what "men" and "women" can be like to stereotypes, where "NB" felt like a catchall for anyone who just wanted to opt out of 1950s stereotypes.

At that point, I decided to fully own and embrace "female masculinity" for lack of better words. My mission is now to push back against the outdated gender stereotypes hurting women and men these days.”