26. Dakota
Dakota, 19
“My detransition is currently active. I started around November of 2021 after being on testosterone for a handful of years and IDing as a boy for a decade. I didn’t talk to any healthcare providers as my endocrinologist dropped me when I told her I wanted to stop T as they only dealt with trans patients. I wasn't sure what would happen and it was hard finding resources on what to expect. I started getting concerned and eventually in June of 2022 I decided to seek help at Planned Parenthood to see if they could test my hormone levels or help me figure out the best course of action. I was also having some reproductive issues after all the hormones and a menstrual cycle in general was new to me. They put me on an estrogen patch of birth control to try and fix some of the damage which somehow actually led to me getting pregnant weirdly enough. So I only used the patch for a week. Now I'm completely synthetic hormone free.
Growing up I’ve always been a tomboy. All throughout elementary school I was told this and given stares when I entered women facilities such as changing rooms or bathrooms. I was gender non conforming and bisexual. I was called TB (tomboy) as a kid but also as an insult due to the name of the disease tuberculosis by adults, a joke that went over my head for years. I was called snapple half and half by other kids who didn't yet know meaner language. It was the end of 5th grade I finally leaned into the "everyone says I'm hairy like a boy, everyone says I'm loud like a boy, I'm rough, I dress comfortable, I must be a boy and now I need surgery". The abuse didn’t help me feel anymore connected to my female body either, I wanted it gone and others seemed to agree. By the end of 5th grade I had agreed with everyone, even some members of my family that I was in fact a boy, not a bi girl, not a lesbian, not gnc, I’m a boy and now I need surgery and hormones.
Birth control and testosterone prevented periods, deepened my voice, gave me facial hair, bottom growth, the whole 9 yards. I was happy everything I liked about myself was amplified and everyone liked the traits better on a boy so it was a win win. It was light conversion therapy. When I transitioned medically I found myself more attracted to men afterwards, I wanted to learn from and mimic them. Now the transition made no sense now my family was confused and wanted me to go back, why transition just to be a gay boy instead of a straight girl? But I was confused, surely girls don't look me still right? What makes it different now? I'm still a walking masculine stereotype so I must not be a woman. With this I continued my transition.
I never dated exclusively gay guys or tried to pursue anyone who didn't already know I was trans and was okay with it, often I was used by bi men with fetishes and found no real love or comfort. I wasn't really involved with the LGBT community and still repressed my opposite sex attraction. But at some point I realized I was still being hurt and no amount of calling myself a man made the misogyny or homophobia go away. It hit me one day doing my testosterone shot that for the rest of my life I would be a medical patient.
I moved away to college and saw girls like me, hairy and loud and comfortable. I saw them as women and I guess for the first time in my life I was given permission to be a woman too. I detransitioned and started trying to learn makeup and tried shaving and leaned back into my sexist stereotypes that allowed my transition in the first place. I realized I still wasn't comfortable performing femininity and worried I made a mistake by stopping T. I grew my hair out from being shaved on the sides and tried to be more feminine then I was before but nothing felt right. I recently just cut my hair off again and I'm still learning not to give into peer pressure regarding makeup or body hair but I'm getting there.
After discovering feminism on tumblr and realizing there were even MORE girls and women who looked like me and didn't perform femininity and were still girls I realized I could still look the exact same and just call myself female. So I did. I still don't shave, or wear makeup, or perform hyper femininity. I'm comfortable, I'm loud, I'm messy, and I’m a woman.
Feminism helped me realize I will always be female enough, I didn't have to "pass" anymore. It is my biological reality and my life is not a performance.
I couldn't be happier now (and much healthier)!”