25. Jamie
Jamie, 24, USA.
https://twitter.com/irefusetoswerve
“I was given a letter of approval for hormones when I was 17, after two therapy sessions. In those two sessions we talked about how my dad was dying of Alzheimer’s and beginning not to recognize me, and how I was r*ped two two classmates just months beforehand. The therapist I was speaking to found no issue in helping me self harm via testosterone and surgery. I had a double mastectomy 3 months after I turned 18. I actually thrived while I was on testosterone! I was on it for three years and in that time I became so much more social, motivated and stable. I got an associates degree in biology, had my social anxiety borderline eliminated and was decently happy with my appearance until it all came crashing down. I realized a lot was going well but there was a lot I was missing out on. I was denying myself things that I genuinely enjoyed for the sake of “passing”. It became clear to me that to an untrained eye I might be clocked as a feminine gay man, but most of the people in my life just saw a bearded woman, and I was forcing them to play pretend and handle me with kid gloves. Detransition has been for me, significantly harder than transition. I’m forced to be honest with myself, and in that, there’s the struggle to trust myself again. I never imagined transition wouldn’t be right for me. It genuinely hadn’t occurred to me that cutting off my breasts would NOT eliminate my dysphoria and improve my life in every single way. After years of fighting my insurance I was able to have breast reconstruction covered. In the time I fought for coverage I wrestled with the idea that another surgery would again not be right for me. I felt as though I was putting a target on my chest that would attract male violence. I decided I wanted to give myself a chance to love and accept myself with breasts. I do desperately wish they were my own and not 700 CC’s of silicone. I still have long term health issues from being on hormones, least of not which is potential infertility. I told every medical professional I saw that I planned to be a parent some day and I’m angry at them for saying it would be possible if that isn’t the case. In the meantime I’m doing everything I can to be as healthy of a mother as I can, and praying any issues with fertility are unrelated to testosterone or at least fixable. Advice from doctors include “lose weight” and “keep trying” but in the meantime not knowing what’s actually going on is very scary and frustrating. Aside from that, I’m learning now finally at 24 that I can be independent, and wise, and strong on my own without needing a costume of pseudo-masculinity to shield me from the world.”